|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
There are some articles that tell you a little about yourself. I am right now in the middle of planning a wedding, relocation and have to look for a new job. So how did I spend the last twenty minutes of each day, you ask? Watching Cheers reruns and conjuring up the rules for being a sports fan. Whatever that says about me, I’m not sure I want to know.
But what’s done is done, and the result is The Fan-O-Meter, the soon to be universally recognized method for choosing one’s favorite sports teams and the ground rules for how you can root for them. I have to reluctantly give credit to Bill Simmons, the columnist from ESPN’s Page 2, who inspired it with his 20 Rules For Sports Fans. I say “reluctantly”, because I found Simmons’ rules to be far removed from the realities that everyday sports fans confront in their choices.
The New England-born Simmons suggested that if you grew up in an area with a major league team in a certain sport you were obligated to root for that team. Whereas if you were from Idaho, you could pull for whomever you wanted. This principle was excessively rigid to one group of people, way too open for others and oblivious to the fact that the mobile nature of modern America are just one factor giving fans attachments to geographic areas other then that they grew up in. There’s also the reality that many of us like certain cities and regions for reasons that go well beyond sports, but often manifest themselves in our sports choices.
The second part of Simmons’ rules were as loosey-goosey as his first part was rigid. You mean someone in southeastern Wisconsin has to pull for the Brewers & Bucks, but if you live in Idaho, you can freely put your chits on the Yankees, Patriots and Lakers? Or whomever else is riding high at the moment? No. It was time for a more practical Fan-O-Meter, one more in touch with the needs of the common man and at the same time one that had clear limits and boundaries. What’s next is the step-by-step program for building your rooting interests and the principles to abide when cheering for them.
Defining The Available Pool
The first step is to define the available pool of teams. Opening up the windows beyond Simmons-style rigidity doesn’t mean all standards are alleviated. Your teams must still be a reasonable reflection of who you are. For most people, the area they live in is the most common reference point. Another common one is if you moved out of the area where you were born at the age of one or two, but somehow still end up rooting for all the teams there. The place you went to college is another logical one, as well as if you’ve lived extensively in different areas for work or other reasons.
Then there is the “favorite city” addition. It’s important to stress that this should be done for something other then sports-related reasons and even within the sports world it should jump beyond a single team. Consider my case. I’m an Irish Catholic whose all-time favorite TV show is Cheers, a political junkie whose favorite era is that of the colorful urban politicians that dominated the Democratic Party prior to the late 1960s and very interested in American history. What other city but Boston—the place my grandmother landed and lived briefly when she arrived from County Cork--would I like? But while the Red Sox are a trendy team right now, my sports loyalties to the Old Towne go beyond that. As I type this, a Bruins-Sabres game is on the TV set. And when I wrote an Irish Catholic novel, one of the characters played football at BC.
So in addition to teams from your natural geographic areas, you also get a “favorite city” pick. Only one to a customer, and it needs to go beyond that city’s winningnest team.
For example, I grew up in the Milwaukee area, went to school at Indiana University, have lived the last eight years in Pittsburgh and my favorite city is Boston. Selections need to come out of this pool. I realize there are situations that may not be covered by this criteria (as below will demonstrate), so a part of the bill that enacts the Fan-O-Meter into law will be a provision establishing a High Court. This judicial body will both reveiw and approve selections, and if you feel there's another team that has a legitimate claim your affections, just bring them before the bench and if the reason is compelling enough an exemption can be granted.
Making Your Picks
Now that we've got the pool defined, let's move on to team selection. The first part is easy enough. Pick your favorite team in each sport. These are the teams you are allowed to refer to as "we" and will generally be identified with by others.
Once your favorites are picked you have to decide what kind of town you are. Just as Boston is a baseball town (the sudden outpouring of affection for the Patriots notwithstanding), Pittsburgh is a football town and Indiana a basketball state, you too are a town unto yourself. There are some of your favorites that you live and die with twelve months a year, and others that have to win to get you interested.
Please note that the latter is not considered an excuse for bandwagon hopping. It is a reflection of the fact that you just aren't as into some sports as others. For example, the Celtics are my NBA team and I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I sweated in the trenches with him through the lean years. The key distinction between this and bandwagon-hopping is that I always acknowledged the Celts were my favorite. When they were losing, the entire NBA just faded off my radar screen. Now that they are back, I'm watching NBA games. This is fine, however if I root them on in public full-disclosure laws require me to be sure the people I'm with are aware that this is a team and sport I can take or leave as it comes.
An allowance can also be made for combative personalities. You can choose to be the archenemy of all your hometown holds dear, but you must be consistent. If you live in Wisconsin and want to pull for the Bears or Vikings just to spite all the Packer fans around you, this can qualify. But you must clearly come out for one particular rival. No just bashing the hometown team while not picking a clear alternative. Put yourself on the hook and take the heat right back when the rival loses, and you will have earned a place at the table under the Fan-O-Meter’s Naysayer clause.
Another option that remains open for fans, though it is not required is to compile a list of your Anti-Favorites. These are teams that you hate under any and all circumstances and seeing them lose brings you at least as much joy (if not more) then seeing your own team win. Once you clear the one-year waiting period and they go on the books you are allowed to take celebratory pleasure when this team loses, and if your own team beats them you can even get an exemption from some of the rules regarding fan behavior that we will discuss momentarily.
Next up, you get to list your secondary teams. Before you get too excited in thinking that you can have a whole slew of backups on your bench, this is a limited benefit. In pro sports, you can go to the opposite conference and pick one team. In all probability, you aren't going to ever deal with a World Series or Super Bowl showdown (or NBA Finals, or Stanley Cup or whatever) between your teams and non-conference regular season games are the least significant on the schedule.
College sports fans can get a little more flexibility in adding teams, but be sure to avoid teams that have a realistic chance of being matched up against your favorite. For example, Big Ten football fans should steer clear of the SEC & Pac-10, given the current alignment of bowl commitments. As long as this principle is honored there is no official limit on the number of secondary choices you can have, but keep it within reason. And bear in mind that if you have multiple choices, they cannot conflict with another (for example, I'll have to choose between Notre Dame & Boston College in football since they play each other every year. No listing both of them).
The restrictions on secondary rooting is that you can't refer to them as "we", and if you are cheering them on in public or wearing some sort of attire, you have a moral obligation to inform at least one person that your true loyalties lie elsewhere.
Following these steps, my picks would be the Red Sox in baseball, with the Brewers a secondary choice. The Redskins get the football nod (more on this in the High Court section of our program), and the Steelers in the secondary niche. Wisconsin is my team in college sports, with Boston College providing support. I pull for the Celtics & Bruins in the NBA & NHL. From a town standpoint, I'm a Sox/Skins town, with UW just in underneath. The Celts & Bruins have to win to earn their keep.
Sentimental Affection
You've got your favorites and you know what kind of town you are. You've got your secondary teams to give you some support. But something's still missing. You live in Cleveland, but really admire the way Mike Scoscia's Angels play baseball. Or you live in the Denver suburbs, but admire Peyton Manning. Or maybe you're like this writer whose marrying within his baseball division (a Red Sox/Orioles mixed marriage is at hand). Just because these teams orbit the same sphere as your favorite, is the Fan-O-Meter saying you can't cheer them for at all? This is where we examine the possibilities of the sentimental favorite.
The sentimental favorite is characterized by its vagueness. The teams chosen up to now have been very defined and codified and have clear limits. That can't be allowed for the sentimental favorites. With passage of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, the legislature ruled that teams could not trust their fans if they were keeping too close a company with a potential rival. It would be too easy to bandwagon jump if your own conestoga was headed in the wrong direction. Sort of like staying friends with the girl you once dated after you get married. It's an open invitation to jump ship when things hit a rough patch.
That's the bad news, but the Fan-O-Meter would never simply dispense stones when the people ask for bread. There's no getting around that there's some teams you just like. It doesn't have to be defined or written into law, you're just more then happy to see them win once your main dog is no longer in the fight. If you're a fan of teams like the Arizona Cardinals or the Pittsburgh Pirates you know your sentimental favorites so well it seems like they're your own.
There are no limits on sentimental favorites, as it really amounts to nothing more then saying "I view that team pretty favorably year-in and year-out and I like seeing them win." The usual regulations governing full disclosure in public apply. It's also important to carefully monitor the amount of pleasure induced from wins by your sentimental favorites. It can't be excessive, and the Fan-O-Meter Research & Development Team is currently working on a beeper that will go off if you enjoy one of their wins to extreme.
The Fan-O-Meter High Court
Now that you've complied your listing it's time to bring them before the all-powerful High Court. Be advised that you still have some legal hurdles to clear before you can grab a beverage turn on the TV and start cheering. Fan-O-Meter bylaws include the Brady Bill, a one-year waiting period that must be observed before a team is officially in the books. This is to allow time for you to watch the team in action for a season and determine if this is something you really want to do with your life. It might seem punitive right now, but you will one day see it as your best ally against hasty decisions that might be made if you just happen to be fired about a team at a given point and time.
The High Court also tends to frown on choices made for cult-of-personality reasons--i.e., "I like their coach", or "so-and-so's my favorite player." The sentimental choice is available for these situations. Your favorite teams, and to a lesser extent your secondary ones, should be teams that transcend personality. Institutions endure while men perish. This is a problem for me, as I like Texas Tech in college basketball because of Bob Knight, while Wisconsin is the team I will realistically be rooting for throughout my life. But I could never root against the General under any circumstances. So how to reconcile? The Court has informed me that this is my problem and not theirs, and that I need to figure out how to create a smooth transition over the next few years without violating core Fan-O-Meter laws.
One of the arms of the Court is the feared Bandwagon Jumper Police Squad. If you are roughly my age (37) and list any of the following teams and they do not without question fit into your available pool, you can expect a knock on the door and some tough guys with billy clubs asking questions--Yankees, Cowboys, Patriots, Lakers, Celtics, Bulls, Edmonton, Miami, USC, Duke, Kentucky or North Carolina.
Trust me, these guys are not fun to deal with. My listing of Boston as my favorite city wasn't enough to get me off the hook with the Celtics listed. I had to desperately assure these brown shirts that I honestly didn't start pulling for the Celts until 1991, after the dynasty was clearly over. That sufficed to spare me a beating, but my lawyers still had to work out a deal with the Court where I had to sign an affidavit acknowledging not only this fact, but the reality that I'd actually pulled for the Lakers in the mid-1980s, prior to falling in love with the Hub. I also rooted for the Mets in the 1986 World Series, further proof that I was I troubled teenager. The affidavit and the separation of myself from the Bird-era championship teams got my application through. Although I still have a letter on my desk from the City of Boston requiring that I do the Polar Bear routine in the Charles River on New Year's Day to be fully cleansed of past sins.
Another area I had legal trouble with was my NFL pick. The Court duly noted that the Washington Redskins fit nowhere in my available pool. My appeal was built around the fact that my dad rooted for the 'Skins in the late 1970s when George Allen was coaching them and I was in my formative years as a fan. The prosecution countered that my dad's own selection could never have been approved by the Court and that this was the fruit of the poisonous tree. However, I was able to persuade the jury to take compassion on the fact that a young child won't make those distinctions. I told the Court about 1979, and how we blew a 17-point lead in Dallas in the last game of the year and lost homefield advantage, the division title and the playoffs all in one fell swoop---the most costly regular season loss in the NFL since realignment. I looked into the eyes of the women on the jury and told them how I sobbed and sobbed as we decorated our Christmas tree that terrible Sunday night. And how there would be no playoffs for Danny that Christmas. The jury ruled in my favor, agreeing that for all intents and purposes the 'Skins--not the Packers--were the team I grew up with when it counted the most.
If you're a fan with a lot of geographic areas to choose from, expect the Court to look for ticket balance. No serious presidential candidate would neglect any facet of his coalition and neither should you. Don't try and skirt the system by only picking the best teams available. Conversely, don't torture yourself and only take the bottom of the barrel. And unless an area was really unpleasant to live or otherwise represents an undesirable period in your life, try to get a minimum of one team there to at least secondary status.
Engaging The Community
Now that you’re teams are picked, your appeals filed and the High Court has given its seal of approval, it’s time to step out into the community and start rooting! As you may have guessed, the Fan-O-Meter contains rules and principles for public conduct, a few of which are actually serious (we’ll leave it to you to guess which ones). Violation of any of these rules is a sign you’ve become drunk on sports and should look for a 12-step meeting somewhere near you.
1)The dress reflects the man.
Your attire says something about who you are and sports is no different. You should only wear the apparel of teams that are at least on a secondary level. Exceptions can be made to keep peace in the family. My fiancé has a Red Sox cap, and I have an Orioles coffee mug. You can also wear outside apparel if someone gives it to you as a gift. Although the family members of all fans are reminded to purchase the attire of the fan’s favorite teams not that of the family member at Christmas time. I have in mind the number of times I’ve been given Packer stuff when my entire extended family knows I’m a Redskins fan. Not to sound ungrateful, but…
When dressing yourself, keep in mind this simple rule—two items says a lot more then one. If you’re wearing the merchandise of an outside team, under no circumstances can you wear more then one item. During the 2007 World Series, Troy Aikman was in New England to call an NFL game. He was seen in Boston wearing both a Red Sox pullover and a cap. Unacceptable. First, it needs to be verified that the items were given to him as a gift and he was only wearing them for reasons of personal courtesy. Second, even if this is the case wearing both is excessive. Aikman has no connection to Boston (unless it’s his favorite city which I doubt), and going with a complete Red Sox outfit while they’re in the World Series is enough to alert the Police Squad. Wearing one item is this circumstance is only barely tolerable, and two is over the top.
Even for your favorite teams, keep observant of the two-item rule. I only wear both a Red Sox cap and shirt together if it’s during a Yankee series, the playoffs or another do-or-die series. I only double up on the Redskins if it’s between Friday and Monday during the season. In the late 1980s John Madden used to say he could always tell when Joe Gibbs thought a big game was at hand, because he sent Darrell Green back to return punts. Your office colleagues should be able to say the same about you—they know it’s a big game if the see you double-dipping on your clothes. Doing so all the time reduces the impact.
2)Using your We wisely.
We refer to our favorite teams as “we”, but let’s remember we don’t actually participate in these events and are utterly inconsequential to the outcome. If you see victories as some sort of personal vindication, you’re over the edge. Seeing your team win a championship is a reason to be damn happy, but not a reason to act like an ass. An exception can be made in circumstances where said rival fan has been acting like an ass leading up to the game (credit to Simmons for this one). In this case, it’s not taking inappropriate credit for your team’s win, but simply taking on the role of the avenging angel to a jackass fan.
A defeat is a reason for sadness, but not a reason to tolerate being ceaselessly put down by another fan drunk on sports. Exceptions can be made if your pal is the fan of a rival team, but in general if there are people who seem to feel a need to rub your nose in it at every turn, it’s a sign they need help and you should consider keeping your distance.
If you think you care more about your team’s fate then the players and coaches who are personally invested in it, then it’s a sign of a problem somewhere. Helpful Hint: It’s probably not the latter. The Court will hear appeals filed under the Terrell Owens Amendment
You can remember this rule with a single sentence—people who can’t take their “we” in moderation shouldn’t take it at all.
3)Staying Free of Romance (no, not that kind)
Sports are often the vehicle for indulging our romantic fantasies about life in general. Understandable, but this can go to excess. If you suffer from any of the following, it may be time to get some help:
--Acting shocked and disillusioned that financial considerations are involved in athletics.
--Being stunned and cynical when a favorite player leaves the team for more money or a longer-term deal elsewhere. Let’s be real—the players are drafted by their teams, and often have no connection to them beyond that. They are cut, traded or benched as soon as they lose their value. They owe no loyalty beyond playing hard throughout their contract and being a reasonably decent person in the community (please note that “reasonably decent” does not imply sainthood). Only those fans who protest the trading or benching of declining stars can demand reciprocal loyalty in return. And even here, they do have to recognize that they are in a distinct minority. Exceptions can be made when a player leaves for an archrival. For example, Red Sox fans can take out venom on Johnny Damon for going to the Bronx. But when Pedro left for the Mets, the appropriate response is to wish him well (to Boston’s credit, that was more or less the response in both cases).
--Ceaselessly denigrating the present-day while making the past out to be utopia. You can certainly think that a previous era was superior to our own (I do), but there were problems in every era and there’s plenty of good today. Losing sight of this means you’ve drank the romantic spirits to excess.
--Getting mad at a player if it turns out they support a political candidate or social cause that you oppose. Or not endorsing something you think they should support. It is not the player’s job to use his status to advance your social agenda. It’s your job to do that.
4)Putting People First
Sports are enjoyed the most when subject to the legitimate obligations of life. We love the game, but we’re not looking to turn into Ben Wrightman (the Jimmy Fallon character of Fever Pitch), who couldn’t attend a birthday party without going over the edge without the Red Sox. Note To Spouses: This is not a blank-check to turn every casual get-together into a social obligation.
Anything you can do with people is better then what you can do alone. Attending a live event with friends, regardless of who’s playing, has to be seen as a better way to appreciate the game then watching one on television, even if your favorite is on the tube. Exceptions are made in obvious circumstances. We’re not going to insist Michigan people attend a Wolverines football game against Northwestern in October if the Tigers are playing in the World Series. But you get the general gist of it.
5)For The Love of The Game
Perhaps the biggest rule of authentic community involvement is this--there should be an overarching appreciation of something bigger then your individual team. For most fans, that will be a simple appreciation of the game itself. My aunt's fiancée is a diehard Vikings fan, quite out of place in the midst of the Packer revelry that takes place on holidays. Yet he had little problem simply watching and appreciating Brett Favre. It doesn't mean cheering for a rival player (a gross violation of etiquette and possibly indicative of the Stockholm Syndrome), but it does mean appreciating their talents and not reducing everything to "He sucks".
Or if it's not the game itself, maybe you just enjoy the entire cultural atmosphere surrounding your team. At places like Penn State, the tailgating scene is an event unto itself. A true fan can appreciate this, even if the team isn't playing well. For me, both these principles collided one electric night last April. It was Dice-K's first game at Fenway Park, and he was facing the Mariners. Seattle sent Felix Hernandez to the mound, and King Felix stole the show. He took a no-hitter into the eighth inning. How could anyone not be rooting for him to do it? I'm not saying I would have felt that way if it were late September or if it were the Yankees, but an April game against a non-rival team? Why not? Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the game. There should be something more to it then just looking to identify with a team for the sake of running around like an idiot saying "We won!"
There you have it. From setting your available pool of teams to establishing your hierarchy to entering into the public square, the Fan-O-Meter covers it all. It’s the safe guide to having a reliable coalition of teams to pull for without falling into bandwagon hopping. It's the sure barometer for measuring how well you play with others. The Fan-O-Meter's days as the universal measuring stick of rooters everywhere are surely just around the corner.
.